What the Abused Says

The results of any traumatic exposure, such as abuse, can only be resolved by experiencing, articulating, and judging every facet of the original experience within a process of careful therapeutic disclosure. - Alice Miller

He hits her again. He, a tall young man, was walking towards the end of the hallway and dragging the young lady with him - her hair seized by his hands. I would've turned around quickly if only our cute and pretty shih tzu did not make a scene to actually run towards that direction. I caught up with her just in time for me to feel the outrage of the guy as he lands a punch on her stomach leaving her on the floor - trying to control her sobs. I saw this guy yesterday at the ground floor - unshaved, tired, didn't smell nice or just to sum it, he looked wasted. Honestly, I haven't seen him in a neat state. Now this pretty lady is studying at a prestigious Med school. She has the look that would make guys wish they were always sick just to be under her care. I often wonder what she saw in him. In the very same way I have often wondered then what my friends, who had been through such agony, saw with those abusive jerks they date for like forever.

When my friend S started dating Dave, the rich kid but didn't have table manners, everything was perfect. Or so it seemed. With a happy facade and stories of their trips and happy moments, she convinced us that indeed, their relationship was all flowers and butterflies. After our midterms exam, we had the Girls Saturday Night Out to have some booze with the attempt to salvage shreds of neurons left in our brain. With S becoming more and more distant, I persistently appealed to her to join us. She had excuses that were so lousy and all. Not giving her the choice to stay in her room on a Saturday night, we stripped off her clothing and NORMALLY, this could've been outrageously fun. But not that night. Instead of us drooling again over flawless skin, we were all stunned to see bruises. One was on its healing stage. The others, I honestly couldn't tell. Denial was something I have expected. So when did the insanity stop? When one night I received a call from her telling me, with a terrified voice, she needs me badly and that she'll stay at my place. Standing on my doorsteps with a hand on the frontal lobe of her head, she looked at me blankly with her eyes red swimming in grief and misery. Seeing the mild concussion, I assumed, on her head, I instantly knew she badly needed help. Serious help that is. Not just from the ER. The wound Dave had caused is much deeper than that.

The most common reason they tell me or what their behavior exudes is this - Holding on to a hope that one day he will change. Almost often, that one day never comes.

• "He's just like that when he's fed up with his work. You know, he can't handle the stress." Displacing his anger at you is just a way of making sure you understand what he's trying to convey - that he's still dominant and you are within his control. Now if you feel pity that he's fed up with work, does it help to resolve his problem if you submit yourself as punching bag?
  
• "I don't want to waste the three years we had." Guess what honey? Wasting more years is much worse.
• "I can't just leave him. I will help him change." Helping someone change for good sounds noble. But aren't we supposed to love someone as he/she is. Yes, there is that hope. But my question here is, is it your responsibility to change him? How about being responsible enough to protect yourself from harm?
• "It was my fault." More often than not, you blame yourself for not being there the instant he texted you (when in fact you were at school). Why were you talking with that guy? *grips your shoulders so hard that later it might be a case of dislocation not giving you the chance to say he's your first-degree cousin and even if you do, he doesn't believe you anyway* It isn't your fault your boyfriend is a narrow-minded jerk.
  
• "I could never find someone like him." This is like suffering from glaucoma - having that tunnel vision. It's either you lose your peripheral vision or you just simply refuse to look. Of course, it isn't advisable to look for an immediate replacement because bad news is, you'll end up attracting and be attracted at the same sort of person if you do not allow yourself to heal properly in time. An abused person normally feels this way because she's already attached to the "fact" that the person she is with or is used to have around with is the best man she could ever have. It is an attachment or more like of a habit - hard to break. If you think you could never find someone like him. Think again. You SHOULD never find anyone like him.

But then, these are just thoughts I wish I could just easily tell a friend or someone who is abused. It's never that simple. We can't just easily convert their mind to such belief because they have been receptive to a pattern they are already used to. Without proper help and right suppor system, it's a vicious cycle that one can't easily break from.

No woman has to be a victim of physical abuse. Women have to feel like they are not alone. - Salma Hayek